Now I Feel It

I sometimes tend to be a delayed reactor when it comes to emotions. The things that affect me the most, I tend to not respond to in the moment. I set my feelings aside and just keep moving on with life. But even though the feelings have been set aside, they don't just fade away, and later they always find a way of seeping out.

 

Recently, I have been experiencing those seeping emotions. The last few weeks I have been feeling all the emotions of Ben being in the hospital after he was born. It's been eight months, but I am only just now really feeling it. Not so much the hardship of being in the hospital, but the joy of returning home. 

 

Lately, I have been holding him a little closer, and thanking God for him a little more often. I find myself feeding him or holding him and thinking, "Look at him! He's doing so well! He's okay. He's here. He's mine."

 

When he was still at the hospital, even though I was with him, I felt the separation. First, with the bili-lights, when I literally wasn't even allowed to hold him unless absolutely necessary. Then with all the cords and tubes and IVs when we were at Children's. He was mine, but I couldn't have him fully. I couldn't hold him anytime I wanted. I couldn't nurse him--he would only take a bottle. If he was awake at night I couldn't snuggle him in bed like I would my other kids. He was stuck in that hospital, and I was stuck feeling like an outsider instead of a mother. 

 

When we finally came home, it was back to normal life. Then again, it wasn't, because instead of four children, I now had five. It was busy! I didn't have time to deal with my own emotions-- I had to take care of an infant, as well as four other children who were having lots of feelings of their own!

 

It's funny how sometimes other big events can bring out feelings from the past. We have recently moved, and I think that the stress and craziness of that process has begun to bring out those hidden emotions from last Spring that had been so carefully put away.

 

The emotions I wasn't ready to feel and didn't have time for a few months ago are now coming out in sweet and strange ways. They make me treasure the moments I have with my little guy a little more. They make me tear up at random moments when there is really nothing to cry about. They make me appreciate how sweet he is, and how little and cute.

 

I think what I feel the most, is thankful. I am so very thankful that I have my sweet boy with me. That he really is doing great. That he really is okay. That what put him in the hospital was not something more serious.

 

It is so good to have him home with all of us-- not cared for by nurses (as wonderful as they were with him), but loved by his family.

 

It is so good to know that he's mine :)

 

 

 

 

We Each Have Gone Astray

You got me
You found me out
I admit
I confess
I am flawed
I am unwise
I have said the wrong thing to you
I haven't met your expectations
I haven't even
Met your needs
Sometimes you needed love
But I was harsh
Sometimes you needed an ear
But I didn't have time
Sometimes you needed Jesus
And I was only human
Sometimes I was too occupied with my own hurts
To tend to yours in any gentle way

Forgive me?

I got you
I found you out
Admit it
Just confess now
You are flawed
You are unwise
You said the wrong thing to me
You didn't meet my expectations
You couldn't even meet my needs
Sometimes I needed love
But you were harsh
Sometimes I needed an ear
But you had no time for me
Sometimes I needed Jesus
And you were only human
Sometimes you were too occupied with your own hurts
To tend to mine in any gentle way

I can forgive you

We are caught
We are found out
Maybe it's time we admit
Maybe we should now confess
We are flawed
We are unwise
We have said the wrong things
We haven't met expectations
We haven't met anyone's needs
Sometimes not even our own
Someone was in need of love
And we were harsh
Someone needed an ear
But we had no time
Someone needed Jesus
But we were only human
Sometimes we have been too preoccupied with our own hurts
To tend to anyone else's in any gentle way

Let's forgive

Let's forgive ourselves

Let's forgive each other

Let's offer this to the world
Not that we can absolve
But that He can atone
And make all things new

I Search For Middle Ground

I search for middle ground
That place of warmth
Where life can happen
Where things can grow
And bloom

Rather I seem
To be stuck
In that molten place
Of red-hot fire
Or that frozen ground
Icy, barren, and oh-so cold

And then there's you
My dear, my dear
Alternately
Burned
Or frozen
Because of my lack

I search for the place
Of balance
That place of warmth
Where you can grow
Free and alive
And happy
You can flourish there

I can't tell you
What it all means

My heart knows
But the words won't form
When I look
For that magical envelope
With the answers
I find them written
In gibberish

Suddenly
I don't understand
And I have nothing
But empty hands
Which spread their fingers
In supplication
And searching
But find nothing
Where there ought to be
A wealth of knowledge

In my own lack
I wander
I look for the place of warmth
It was just here
I know it
But in the end,
I know that you will need more
And I pray that you find it
With, or without
Me