Moving Right Along

This morning was another MOPS morning for me.  The speaker was a children's book author named Mark Ludy.  He was very energetic and fun to listen to.  There are two things that stand out to me from his talk, writing and Jesus. 

He said that to be a good writer you have to read, which I knew, but he also said it's not enough to just read a book, you need to also process why you liked it or didn't like it.  I am not always good at processing.  I'm more of an absorber.  I just take it all in without always sorting out the whys of it all.  So that really helped me. 

Also, he said not to get so hung up on perfection that you never actually write or finish writing something.  The first draft is usually crap, but you just need to get it all out there.  Then you can go back and refine it, keep the good and throw out the bad.  I definitely can get hung up on perfection at times. 

Talking about Jesus, he mentioned that we need to be changed from the inside-out not the outside-in, meaning that it's not about what we do outwardly that counts, but what is in our hearts.  The reality is that nothing we do will ever be good enough.  Our righteousness is like a pile of filthy rags to God.  It's nothing.  We have to trust Jesus.  We have to give ourselves to Jesus, surrender to Him, and He will work the change in us, beginning with our hearts. 

This meant a lot to me, because I am often critical of myself, thinking I should do this or that differently.  A lot of the time, though, I'm only doing it because I think I should, not because I really have a desire to do it.  I know some things we do because it's our responsibility and we don't necessarily want to, but that isn't really what I'm talking about.  

A good example is reading the Bible.  Why do I do it?  Just because I should?  Or because I have a desire to know God?  How about taking time to read to my kids?  Do I do it because the most recent child studies say I should?  Or do I read to them because I love them and know that they need me to spend that quality time with them?  What's my motivation? 

The thing is, I can't make myself have a sincere desire to do the things I should.  Even that I must depend on Christ for.  He is the only one who can truly change my heart, and that is what I pray for.  My continual prayer is that God make me what He wants me to be.  Sometimes the answer to that prayer is painful, because circumstances ensue which force me to look at my heart and see myself as I really am, to see that I am weak where I thought I was strong. 

The main thing, in times like those, is not to get discouraged, not to give up.  Know that you are on a journey, you have a destination, but this is not it.  This is just a momentary stop in "I-hate-my-life-ville", but you'll soon be moving on. 

We have to trust Jesus to move us on.

My Redeemer is Alive

I hear a whisper in my ear
Telling me that You are near
And nothing that this world holds dear
Could make the glorious truth less clear

My Redeemer is alive
He truly came
He truly lived
He truly died
Yes, my precious Savior is alive

I feel a gentle breeze go by
Softly spoken words from God Most High
"I love you; you need no longer cry.
Wait, for I will soon draw nigh."

Yes, my Redeemer is alive
He really came
He lived
He died
My beloved Jesus is alive

A soft and gentle rain washes over me
Cleansing, like the blood that set me free
A life like this I never knew could be
For I was so long blind, but now I see

And my Redeemer is alive
He truly came
And lived and died
Yes, my Redeemer is alive

I originally wrote this poem in October of 2001, when I was a Senior in high school.  For most of my life, I had gone to small Christian schools, but my senior year, I went to public school for the first time.  I believed that God wanted me there, so I could tell others about Him, and "be a light".  The irony is that I was such a quiet and shy person that I rarely even had an opportunity to talk to anyone about God, and if I did, I was too timid.  Part of the reason it was so difficult for me to share was that it was very important and very personal to me, and at that time it was very hard for me to share something that I cared about so much with just anyone, even though that's exactly what I needed to do.  I had all these ideas about how I was going to be a witness, and I was going to sit at the lunch table with that person who was all alone.  What I hadn't counted on was the fact that since I was new to the school,  I was the one sitting alone at the lunch table! 

I would often walk to the library after school to wait for my mom to get off work, and I would ask God what He was thinking sending me to this school.  He knew I was shy.  He knew how hard it would be for me to make that change.  Sometimes it felt like a joke. 

I had this, and several other poems written in one of my school notebooks.  I had sort of forgotten about them when a guy in my French class took my notebook and started looking through it.  I didn't care if he looked at it since I didn't think there was anything but class notes in it.  But he found the poems, and every one was about Jesus, about what He meant to me, how He made a difference in my life.  Every one said clearly all the things I would have found very difficult to say. 

Whenever I think of it, I have to smile, and that smile is for God Himself, because, yes, He did know how shy I was, and He did know that it would be hard, but He used me in a way I wouldn't have thought.  He used my writing. 

I don't know what happened with that boy, whether he ever accepted Christ or not.  I have to leave that to the Holy Spirit, and trust that the things I wrote will be like a seed in his heart, and that someday hopefully they will grow into something more. 

I have thought about that year of my life many times, mostly with regret because I felt like a failure.  I never led anyone to Christ, never even had an extensive conversation about Him with anyone.  But as the years go by, I remember things, like the poems, and I know it wasn't wasted. 

Not too long ago, God showed me that even if I didn't say anything, because He lives in me, just my being there brought Jesus to that school.  Not that I was the only Christian, but I was one more.  Wherever I go, Jesus is there.  When those kids looked at me, though they might not have known it, they were seeing Jesus. 

Before I Die

Here are ten things I'd like to do before I die...

1.  Learn ballroom dancing...and hip hop

2.  Try one or more of the following:

Skiing
Snowboarding
Surfing
Waveboarding

3.  Learn how to make my own soap

4.  Successfully grow a vegetable (meaning that the plant would live long enough to eat it)

5.  Visit each of the fifty states, driving through doesn't count (which means I have to go back to Oklahoma, unfortunately)

6.  Meet someone famous, like a movie star, not a politician or athlete

7.  Write a book...and have it published

8.  Sell something that I made myself

9.  Go on a mission trip to Russia

10.  Bake my own bread

Blog Post

"I would even call to say I'm not calling."

That's about how I feel right now.  I can't quite think of a good blog, so I feel like I'm writing this to say I'm not writing.

It's a line from the movie Dan in Real Life, by the way.  I would have to say that it's becoming one of my favorite movies, because I enjoy it more every time I watch it.  It's one of those movies that whenever it's on, I just can't stop watching, even if I just saw it not that long ago.

I have to wonder what it is that I like so much about it.  It's funny, for one thing.  Steve Carrell is playing a widower with three daughters, one of whom is very melodramatic.  I think it's hilarous when she calls him a "murderer of love" for making her boyfriend go back home after sneaking to see her while they are at a family reunion.

I also like the picture of family that is portrayed.  Family is awkward, and often dysfunctional, but it can also be fun.  I really enjoy watching the parts when the whole family is having a crossword puzzle race, and when they have the talent show together.  I like seeing the comraderie between them, probably because that what I hope to see among my children someday.  I hope we can do those kind of things. 

Another part I like is at the very end, when Dan (a newspaper columnist) writes to his readers that they should "plan to be surprised", which I think is very good advice.  Life doesn't always go they way we expect it to, but that isn't a bad thing necessarily.  Sometimes what we get is better than what we thought we wanted.

If you haven't seen it, go see it!  If you have seen it, go see it again!  If you saw it and you didn't think it was that great because you were thinking Steve Carrell would be playing a character like Michael of The Office, give it another shot.  I guarantee, it will be better the second time around.

An Effort

One of the hardest things about writing a blog every day (which I have not completely done, I am sad to say) is finding something to write about, something other people might actually care to read.  A lot of what's on my mind right now is not really interesting to anyone but me, I don't think.  And then of course if it is interesting, it's also hard to explain, and I'm tired and I don't know if I really want to go into all that.  Here are the things I've been thinking about:

Alchemy and symbolism in literature

Marriage

How the story of Thumbelina is symbolic of Christ and the Church, the "Great Romance"

Birth control or the lack thereof

The book I'm trying to write

American Idol

Harry Potter

Old friends

There you go.  I've been exceptionally exhausted today, so my brain is refusing to do any more than list the above subjects.  I realize that this particular post is a bit lacking, but dang it, I thought I'd at least make an effort. 

Short Story

So, I'm writing this to say that I am not going to write a blog today because I wrote a short story instead and since I wrote the entire thing today, I am all "written out"

If you want to read the short story, you can click on the link to "Not Quite Austen" on the side of this blog.

Ode to Writer's Block

Sitting in McDonald's,
Trying to write a blog.
Instead I'll write this poem
Since my head is in a fog.

I have my new computer,
And (mostly) peace and quiet too.
I stare at this lovely screen,
But there's nothing I can do.

Writer's block is what it's called;
I have it all the time.
I'd like to write something really good--
Maybe the history of mimes?

Don't worry,
I wouldn't do that--
Write about mimes, that is.

"I'm sorry,"
You say, and pat my back.
"You'll do better next time."

That's the Story

For the last three or four years I've been working on a story that I hope will one day be a book, or maybe even several books.  It's been an interesting process.  I have the bones, but it's been rather difficult putting some flesh on them, so to speak.  I get inspired and work on it from time to time, but I keep getting stuck.  I get stuck on names sometimes.  I'm sure it would be wiser, or certainly more convenient to just give a character a temporary name and move on, come back to it later.  But, for me, that would be like having a child and naming it when it turns ten.  It just wouldn't be right.  So I try different names, and I think one is right and then  I decide it isn't quite right after all for whatever reason.  I also get stuck on point of view.  I have written the same thing three or four different ways, trying to find the right point of view.  I haven't quite found it yet.  I think it's partly because I just haven't found the right current.  I've written other stories, and I can feel when I've found it, that current that takes me exactly where I need to go, without a fight.  But I haven't found it yet for this story, which makes me think that either A) I will never finish this story, B) I will finish it, but not til I'm about seventy-three, or C) I need to start all over.  Maybe a combination of those is the actual truth.  I'm not sure who this will actually be interesting to, but I did warn you that writing every day might lead to some days being a little more...tedious...than others.  In any case, that's the story on my story.

Day 1

The problem with writng EVERY day is that I don't always feel like I have a lot to say.  I suppose that's why it will be good for me, force me to dig deep and all that.  Actually it's not so much that I have nothing to say as it is that I don't know what I want to say that I also want other people to read. 

Right now, I have two thoughts going on in my head.  The first is "Look I have now kept my New Year's Resolution for one whole day isn't that wonderful."

Secondly, as I write, I can hear Aaron on the baby monitor.  He's telling the boys the story of Moses and the burning bush, and he's telling them how God heard the cries of the Israelites enslaved in Egypt, how God hears us and He loves us.  I am struck by the beauty of it.  I wonder what they think, those little boys, hearing for the first time (or at least not remembering if they've heard it before).  I wonder what they think about God.  I wonder if they really know yet that He's real.  I think Malachi does.  Recently he had been complaining to his grandma that his leg hurt, and when she asked him about it another time, he said that it was all better because God noticed him.  God noticed that he was hurting and He healed him.  It's nice when God notices you...and He does a lot more than we think.  There have been times I have felt like He had forgotten about me...but He didn't.  He noticed me.  He noticed that I felt forgotten too.  He is really always working.  One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."  I'm glad to know that.

New Year's Resolution

I realize I have been quite lax in writing recently.  I'd like to blame it on the holidays, but it was probably just laziness.  And maybe it was a little bit because of the holidays.  Also, Aaron has been working all kinds of hours and weekends and I have been "plumb tuckered out" (nod to my semi-hillbilly upbringing).  Whatever the reason, I have felt quite guilty for not writing and have decided to make one of those dangerous New Year's Resolutions.  My resolve is to write something here every day.  This may mean I have to subject my readers (all ten or eleven of you) to all the inanities of my life just so that I have something to say, and by this time next year I'll either have no more readers or everyone will just beg me to stop.  Then there's always the chance that my New Year's Resolution will meet the same end that so many New Year's resolutions do...and I won't keep it.  But I am surely going to try.