Tonight Simeon is sleeping in a separate room for the first time. Even though I know that this day had to come eventually (I mean, who ever heard of a sixteen year old boy sleeping in his parents' bed, right?), it still seems like a big deal. I have to admit, it will be nice not having to sneak into my bedroom to go to sleep every night, hoping I won't wake him up. But my mommy heart doesn’t want to let him go quite yet. It’s just one more step toward him being a big boy and not my sweet little baby anymore. I love that little guy so much. I wish he could stay this age. He will be a year old soon, and it has gone by way too fast. I feel like he ought to only be six months old. Why do they have to grow up? Why does it happen so quickly?
At the same time though, I so look forward to him growing up. I can’t wait to see what he looks like as he gets older and has more distinct features. I can’t wait to see his personality become more defined. I don’t look forward to the toddler years, with the willfulness (which all my boys seem to have inherited from someone--who could that be?) and the temper tantrums. But I do look forward to hearing the funny things he will say, and watching him toddle around looking like a drunken sailor. I look forward to him seeing new things for the first time and recognizing how amazing they are, like fish and mountains and trains. I am curious to see what his relationship will be with his brothers, and I look forward to seeing them all playing together.
This is one of those moments of letting go. It’s a very small letting go, but it’s important because it will help lay the groundwork for bigger things. Simeon has to grow up. True, he has a lot of time to do that, but eventually, he has to become a man. And I will have to let go of him. Right now he is just in the next room, but someday he will be in someone else’s house. He’ll be at school. He’ll make his own friends, have his own life. He might live in another city or another state. And that’s okay, it's good, even necessary. I have to recognize that I can’t be with him all the time. I can’t protect him all the time. And I will have to know that GOD is with my son, that He will be with him always, that He will protect him and care for him better than I ever could. After all, I am only a temporary keeper. Simeon doesn’t belong to me, he belongs to God. God has given him to me for a time, but all too soon, it will be time for me to give him back.
This is what’s hard about being a mom. Letting go.